Insert witty Tumblr title here. =P

Screw all this! I’m done with it. One drunk and high jerk that broke up with me over text, one idiot that broke up with me over the phone, another guy that gets drunk and high, and the one that I actually want to be with that’s not interested in me anymore.

The scars may fade and go away, but the thoughts never really do. So I just keep pushing them aside, never acting on them.

And it’s driving me mad.

Cry.

That’s all I want to do. Just break down, cry, re-live this whole day, and just forget it ever happened.

I know I’m an idiot, quit trying to make me feel like crap. I don’t need this. Not from you, not from anyone.

But no, I’ll smile and pretend that everything’s all right, and I’m perfectly fine.

I know I’m fat, but that doesn’t mean I want to hear it. You’re my mum, you’re not supposed to be the voice inside my head. You know, the one that’s constantly talking and torturing me? Yeah, that would be the one.

Screw you, I’m over all this bull crap. You’re not worth it. I know that you couldn’t care less about me, but you know what? He actually does care about me. I’m done with you and all this drama crap that comes with you, mmkay? Thanks, have a nice life.

Don’t even pretend that you want to talk to me. It hurts more than you not talking to me at all, because I know it’s all an act.

I know you probably hate me. I don’t like it, but I accept it, because I know I can’t change it. But you know what?

I still care about you. Even if you couldn’t care less about me.

Do I miss you? Sometimes, only a bit when I do. Am I angry at you? Yes. Do I want to talk to you? Sometimes.

Will I ever tell you any of this? No. And you wouldn’t even care if I did. Because nearly everything you said to me was a lie. You don’t care about me. You don’t love me. You wouldn’t care if I were to die tomorrow…Nothing. Again, nearly everything you said to me was a lie. I was nothing to you. I know that, and I know you do too.

But that doesn’t make it hurt any less, knowing that you played with my emotions like that. But the worst part? You couldn’t care less.

I hate not knowing how to articulate how I feel and what I’m thinking. So instead, I just say I’m fine. Is that bad? Probably. But still. I know I’m not the only person that does that. I know that doesn’t make it right, as one could argue that saying that is sort of like if I was a murderer, it’s okay because other people are murderers too. Kind of an extreme example, but basically the same principle.

Regardless, I hate it when people try to make me “talk about my feelings” and all that when I genuinely don’t want to talk to anyone at all, or just don’t know how to articulate it in a way that’ll make sense to them. Like just freaking leave me the heck alone, mmkay? I’m a big girl, I can deal with this on my own. And you know why? Because I’m fine and it’s not a big deal.

You know how sometimes you feel totally fine, then someone asks why you’re upset? Then later when you actually are upset, nobody asks, but it’s fine with you because not even you know why you’re upset? Story of my life for the past few weeks. I don’t know why I feel upset for no reason. And I hate it. I have no reason to be depressed or upset, or just in a bad mood or whatevs. So why am I?

And of course, with that comes all the negative thoughts that make you feel even worse. And the more you try to cheer yourself up, the more upset you feel. And that freaking sucks.

Am I crazy? Or does this happen to everyone?

I hate you. I honestly truly, loathe, hate, despise, and detest you. I don’t give a crap if you’re my father. If you truly cared about me and my mum, you wouldn’t have done that. And you know what? I hate the fact that I look like you. It’s adding insult to injury. Screw you, you mother freaking nimrod. You were never once there for me when I needed you. And you never will be.

So, you’re going to basically tear our family apart if one or two certain people find out, and you don’t give a crap? Thanks. I really appreciate that. Glad to know how much you care about your own frigging family. All you care about is yourself. That’s it. Your way or no way. “God didn’t put me on this earth so people could like me!” You’re right, but I doubt God put you on this earth to be a little brat doing things you shouldn’t be doing. You’re 12 years old, and I honestly don’t want to see you wreck your life.

I love you to death, but I literally want to smack some sense into your head! GAHH.

Asdfghjkl. Why? WHY? Am I too fat? Am I too ugly? Am I too annoying? Am I too stupid?

Or is it all of the above, and more?

“What, you can’t think for yourselves? Can’t do any chores while we’re gone? Morons!”

Sorry I put away the groceries, took out the trash, fixed up the bathroom a bit, washed the dirty towels, took a shower, and went to bed, but didn’t unload the dishwasher. Sorry I’m such an idiot.

About over a year ago, I would have cut myself for that. It still hurts, I’m just strong enough to fake a smile and act like it doesn’t bother me…